Depression In a Sunshine World

I am a very care free individual. I have my head on my shoulders and a strong focus towards what I want my future to resemble.

I have made too many mistakes to count and many my age pale in comparison to the wrongs I have done to get me to where I am. Yet, this is what makes me more mature and grounded then those in my peer group.

I cannot explain why I am the way that I am but I do know that if it were not for the mistakes I have made in my past, I would not be where I am today.

Despite the pressures I feel about never having enough money or being hindered from graduation due to failing my Broadcast Journalism course, I am happy with the way things are going, in general.

I say in general because this semester I feel like there has been a force out to get me and knock me down from where my aspirations are. It is as if I am lost in a maze with only dead ends surrounding me on all four sides. I feel the need to scream for help, for any assistance that someone can lend me yet I hold back because I feel it would do me no good.

I have never felt surrounded by defeat in my life, yet lately it feels oppressive and very apparent in all that I do.

As silly as it sounds, in the last month and a half I have been to eight doctors for my eyes. I was admitted to urgent care this Monday after literally being unable to see due to the irritation in both my eyes. I learned that for the past six weeks, I have been highly allergic to every drop that has entered my eyes.

Because of the poor advisement from an array of different doctors, my eyes could stay red for a long time. I have been embarrassed, hurt and hostile towards people for the past six weeks because no one will talk to the girl with crackhead eyes.

I have two jobs and have avoided eye contact from the public for a month and a half. My abundant social life has left me into exile due to my noticeably different appearance.

I have hit rock bottom this semester. Even in my Multimedia Journalism class, a class I enjoy and feel I do decent in, I learned I have a C- which is unacceptable.

Things cannot continue this way but it seems that I have to overcome the forces that have marked me as their territory. I need to avenge bad karma with optimism, yet it is easier said then done.

I just want to get through this semester, get my appearance back to normal and wake up with a stride of prosperity instead of defeat that I have been sulking in for far too long.